Recently a man asked me, "So, can you cook?" Which he then followed up with, "I'm gonna need you to cook!" He was laughing and obviously joking, but I got a tiny bit annoyed for two reasons.
For one...the dude was sitting across from me. You see me man, do I look like cooking is a problem for me? LOL The second reason is that we were about 5 minutes into a conversation and I was already getting a taste of what HE wanted. I really wanted to shoot back, "Do YOU cook? Can you buy a bag of groceries? Make a reservation? Drive thru? Something?" I don't know when this happened, but when did we start giving out the laundry list before we got to know someone?
I've noticed this with a lot of people, men and women. The mystery is gone completely. We're basically negotiating the deal. But, I hate that. How about we just get to know our potential suitors and potential friends naturally? Find out the information as you go and see what happens. We don't know how to do that anymore. We show up with a list of all the things that the previous people did that we didn't like. Then we play 20 question to see if the person we're talking to should be ruled out over the first cup of coffee.
Honestly, I don't think he meant anything by it, but I also don't think he even heard himself say it. OK, it doesn't actually hurt to know what annoys people up front. How many times have you sat around with your friends playing "I can't stand..."? We should be just as honest with everyone. But are we trying to get to know each other or are we just eliminating people?
How do we get anywhere with that really? Don't you have to bring something to the table as well? If you're trying so hard to see if I'm worth your effort, don't you think I'm doing the same thing? Then why try to beat each other to the punch? I really think it's bad form to tell people everything I need from them right of the bat. Doesn't that make me selfish?
Would you do that to your new friends? Just walk up and tell them, "I need you to support me when shit's going wrong or we can't kick it!" No, you get to know them and find out if they can be a supportive friend. What about a job interview? Could you even imagine walking in and telling the boss, "So what benefits do you offer, what's in this job for me?", before you've given them a reason to hire you? The first thing they'd think is, "And WHY exactly should you get the job?"
I give people a pass a lot and on this I did. It wasn't worth going back and forth. What it really shows me is that whatever experiences this man had left him wary of women. Understandable, but not my issue. It wasn't me who did or didn't do whatever it is, so start fresh with me. I'm going to try to do the same. I may never even see you again, but I'd rather not see your open wounds out the gate.
Mystery people, that's all I'm asking. I know we say we'd rather know things up front, but do we really? We all have a tendency to judge people harshly based on a few little tid bits of information. And when we do that, we could be passing up the love of our lives, or great friend. Hell, in this town, even a good connect. I think it requires a bit of openness, which most of us lack. We could also work on tossing out our lists of deal breakers. Some of the things we pass people up for are the very things we ask people to accept in us. We also have to be willing to give the things we expect from people. If you aren't, even the people that love you to death will get tired and walk away.
I'm just saying, stop looking for what you can get out of people. Stop worrying that they won't make time for you or that they won't cook. Stop expecting people to cater to you and fix whatever problem you have. And stop asking people as soon as you meet them what they have to offer you. The truth is that you really won't know someone until you get to know them. And even then, they might surprise you...
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